How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
