Dual....:-)
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
