Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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