Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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