There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
