SEEEEXXX PLEASE
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
