If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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