i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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