I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
