I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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