i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am spending my child support on dildos
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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