My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
