So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
