You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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