Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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