he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
