Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
