that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
