You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
