i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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