I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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