I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
