Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
