Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
