Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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