You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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