my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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