sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
