The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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