I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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