Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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