Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
