dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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