Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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