it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
