Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry about my life...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
