Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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