My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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