Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
