Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
