Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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