Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
