Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Randomize
