well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
