Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
