You're completely useless in the revolution.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
