Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
