my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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