I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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