I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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